Why I Don't Date Anymore

Why I don’t date anymore

I stopped dating a while ago. Curiously, despite the fact that I’m now an ‘older woman,’ this has not stopped men from asking me out or hitting on me. When I decline, I’m generally asked why. This puts me (and any other woman) into an awkward position, so I generally say something like, “I don’t date anymore.” This, of course, opens the gates to telling me that I mustn’t give up, that all men are not the same, and I must give myself a chance to find happiness.

Generally, I am deeply distressed after these conversations, and it takes me a few weeks to regain my equilibrium. So this last week I spent some time googling the phrase, “I don’t date anymore.” Far from mine being an isolated case, I found that many other people – both male and female – take the decision not to date anymore, and their reasons are all very similar to my own. Here they are.

Other Commitments
As one grows older, one’s energy decreases and one’s commitments increase. One might have bought a house or a dog, adopted a kid or had one by a previous marriage, or have aging parents, or an ever-demanding job. It doesn’t really matter what it is. The point is that there are more commitments to follow through on, the same amount of time that there always used to be – 24 hours in a day – and less energy as a result of aging. Dating simply takes up more time than one has.

No Emotional Need
Another aspect of growing older is that one generally develops deeply satisfying emotional connections with other people. This might be with same-gender friends, relatives, colleagues, or even opposite-gender friends. The point is that there is a deep emotional satisfaction that comes with these connections, and this takes away the need for a romantic relationship. Generally, women are more likely to be satisfied in this way than men. Whether cultural, biological, or psychological, it appears that many men don’t develop emotional relationships with other men, and therefore tend to loneliness as they grow older. This is more a factor of western life than life in other cultures, so it is probably cultural.

Don’t Want the Games, the Expense, or the Limited Return on Investment
Research shows that between 50% and 80% of the information exchanged on dates are lies. At a certain point, those that are tired of the lies and the games, just don’t wish to put themselves through this anymore. Also, there is an increased financial cost. Dating costs money – whether in terms of new clothing, sharing the cost of a date, or gas mileage getting there. Many are loathe to spend this money as times are hard. Yet another aspect of dating is that some simply decide that the return on investment isn’t worth the price.

The Myths
Realizations dawns that there simply isn’t someone for everybody, that happiness isn’t dependent on a relationship, that investment in relationships aren’t always worth the return, and that it’s quite possible to live a happy, fulfilled life without a relationship.

Sex
As people age, there tends to be a decreasing sex drive. In general women don’t have the intense sexual needs that men do, and this is possibly one of the reasons more men tend to continue wanting to date while more women don’t.

While there are always the memories of times enjoyed in the past, people have different reasons for giving up this area of their lives. For some, desire just naturally faded and they could live without it. For others, while desire was still there, the thought of exposing sagging bodies is not something that they wish to do. For still others, they just don’t consider what is available to be that attractive and would rather do without than indulge with someone that is not attractive to them.

A Weighted Decision
The decision not to date anymore seems generally to be taken from about the age of forty up. It is mostly not a bitter and twisted response to being hurt, but rather a well thought out decision, weighing pros and cons, and eventually arriving at the decision that there would be more gained by not dating than by dating.